Sitting in the ER... wondering how many germs are running around here.
Coughing.
Spitting.
Sniffing.
Crying.
Rocking.
People asking for blankets, complaining and trying to bum cigarettes.
Cesspool of disgusting.
This is how to get better??
They make you sicker in the waiting room...
so then they can bill you for other symptoms.
And then...
the.....
......
......
......
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......
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......
......
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......
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......
wait.
*sigh*

Nothing of importance.
Nothing of excitement.
Nothing of significance.
Nothing of love or fine dinning.
Nothing... nothing...nothing.

I smile.
You can not see me.
I can't hold up my head.
Neck breaking.
Mask is too heavy.
But I still smile.

I don't have anything to say.

Amazing.

BLAH!


Others have things to say-

"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."
~William Dement

My head is beating and whizzing around.
The thumping accompanying the drone humming is
quite the musical drug hangover.
*sigh*

Apparently I am an emotional-agressive-obsessive-compulsive!
(truly bi-polar and thank the Gods for meds!)

I won't apologize for who I am and what I stand for...
but I am sorry for you.

I talked to a friend today... who told me that it's not good to be alone.
In my own space, my own head.... I don't have to converse with anyone...
or reckon with them, or plan my day around anyone else. Nobody has to
listen to me ranting or pretend that they understand my pain.
Why is this not good?

No sounds of falsetto voices, gales of contrived laughter, or idle chit chat.
Solitude is comforting... arms wrapping around me, protecting me from the elements.
Manipulated detachment; coddling seclusion.
Withdrawn in my thoughts. Untouchable.

It's not easy seeing the other side of people's thoughts.
I have realized that people don't think about the things they say....

I feel dead and broken today, didn't want to see people... so I closed
my eyes for hour after hour (mostly sleeping.) I don't need life
thrown in my face day after day. I think my soul needs a vacation
sometimes. Body, mind and soul recharge.

yup yup.

Can't play 2nd string to a 2nd fiddle!

I am reflecting on things in my own head and things that have come across my path recently.
People think they are so random... I think the emotions are selfish and calculated.
I people watch... I listen to the words... I find myself privately despising the human race.
Jealousy is useless. Anger can be beautifully destructive and creative at the same time.
I want the best for people... yet I find ways to promote my own needs.
I am no different. I stand back and watch... secretly hoping situations unravel and fall apart;
looking for the portal of my refuge. Inherently good and also self-centered. Self preservation.
Emotions are volatile; susceptible vulnerability.

My knight in shining armor comes in the form of a tiny white pill.
Easing my entire quintessence.
Soothing my spirit.

Main Entry: transient
Part of Speech: adjective

Definition: temporary

Synonyms: brief, changeable, deciduous, emigrating, ephemeral, evanescent, flash, fleeting, flitting, fly-by-night, flying, fugacious, fugitive, going by, impermanent, insubstantial, migrating, momentary, moving, passing, provisional, short, short-lived, short-term, temporal, transitory, transmigratory, unstable, vacating, volatile

Life is constantly changing.
I am looking for a new ground.
I realized today that I could be happy again.
Maybe.
I closed a chapter in my book tonight.
I changed the name when I was done. "Indifference."
Amazing.
Apparently the book continues.... *giggles*

I am deep in thought over Nana's eulogy. I will be too choked up to speak so my eldest cousin will be reading one sentiment from each of us. (Apparently now the Catholic Mass funeral allows for exactly 4 minutes.... like the damn Emmy's or something!) There is so much to say about her... I can't think of only one thing to say. She has been the rock of the family, my friend, my caretaker, and she has given me (all of us) so many memories.
Her wake is today and I am going to pay my respects. I don't really want to see her this way, but it's tradition, it's Catholic,we are a very large Italian Family, and we are honoring all of her wishes, as she has had this planned and paid for many years. She will be buried in a beautiful light blue gown and will rest next to her husband of 50+ years.

"Rest in Peace" Mr. & Mrs. Fredrick & Carmella Ardizzoni

I am trying to prepare for this afternoon.... bought water-proof mascara for the
occasion and each of us have our own package of tissues. Dello Russo's funeral Home has buried many family members and unfortunately has become a way too familiar family reunion of
sorts.


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